Those tests will really drive you crazy Pulling out into the road among all the other drivers is getting scarier than waking up in the same bed as Tammy Faye and seeing her without the Mabeline and heavily sprayed hair. It sends shivers down a person's spine to think about the types of people the government deems eligible for a licence these days. It's true a person must pass a written exam to get a license, but it's even scarier what they put on those exams lately. Take a look. Actual questions (from the Texas exam) can include the following: If a clearly visible railroad signal warns of the approach of a train, you mustŠ A. proceed through the crossing before the train is within five hundred (500) feet of the crossing. B. proceed through the crossing before the train is within fifteen hundred (1,500) feet of the crossing. C. stop within fifty (50) feet but not less than fifteen (15) feet from the nearest rail. D. stop within fifteen (15) feet but not more than fifty (50) feet from the nearest rail. I'm not making this up. This is an actual question from an actual exam. Here lies the problem. Answers C. and D. are almost identical. Unless you have an advanced degree in spacial mathematics you may miss the subtle differences. If this is your first question, you already know you have a better chance of getting a date with Brittney Spears than getting a driver's license. This may be a bad analogy because getting a date with Brittney Spears doesn't seem that tough from what the tabloids say. In the real world the average person will use a modified version of A. Let's try another one You must obey instructions from a traffic officerŠ A. at all times. B. only if there is an accident or another emergency situation. C. only if he is telling you to do something which is according to the law. The exam wants you to say A. or, guess what? You now have two strikes. This question basically states law enforcement officials must be obeyed unconditionally. Hypothetically, should I be stopped by a law enforcement type person and that person tells me to strip to my Underoos and dance like a chicken across a busy intersection, I must do so. Some of us are 0-2 thanks to the overachievers at the DMV. It's not just the driver's exam that scares me. People who buy auto insurance also scare me. Major insurance companies seem to think the average consumer would prefer to buy their insurance, not from a reputable agent, but a talking critter. One company's spokes critter is a chatty lizard and another hocks it's policies with the help of an obnoxious duck. To say the latter critter talks is an exaggeration. The duck only knows one word and for the life of me I can't remember what that word is. The lizard has an exotic accent, giving the impression many people prefer to buy their insurance policies from imported cold-blooded talking critters. Personally, I would rather buy my insurance from the good looking brunette lady with the bright red lipstick and long eyelashes. To be truthful, I'd probably buy used socks if she was selling them, but that's just me. Ask yourself a question. Is it really safe to drive on the same road as someone who purchases their insurance from rejects from the local petting zoo? Now that I think about it, is it safe to be on the same road with me? I finished the online driver's exam and scored an amazing 57 percent. Of course, if any law enforcement type persons are reading this, I am only joking. Ha! Ha! Silly me! Of course I scored much higher and would gladly strip to my Underoos and dance like a chicken if ordered to do so. Just please don't. Mark Berryman is a writer for the Franklin County Citizen and The News Leader. | 
